⚠️Warning: real af post ahead⚠️
I don’t know about you, but my social feeds lately have been all about how shit 2020 was and how 2021 is apparently going to miraculously be better. Reality check: in reference to ‘the world’, it probably won’t be getting better anytime soon. Just because it’s a new year, doesn’t mean a deadly virus just goes “oh you know what guys? It’s now a new year, I’m going to bounce!” The start of this year is going to be worse than the start of last year - that’s just the truth.
Here in Australia, New South Wales (Sydney specifically) has recently had a new COVID-19 cluster outbreak and despite what recently happened in Melbourne, NSW didn’t do much. They still went ahead with Boxing Day sales and New Years celebrations. Yea, they “advised” against going to them, but they didn’t put their foot down and go “no”. They did, however, say that talking loudly wasn’t allowed... no further comment needed... We’ll most likely see the results from this in a week or so. It’s almost as if we learned nothing from what happened in Victoria. Or, it’s almost as if trading was more important than trying to keep each other safe.
Anyway, ignoring all of that; the start of this year is going to be tough. It’s going to be stressful. It’s going to be a bloody challenge. There’s no sugar-coating from me. As always, I’m your brutally honest friend who’s here to get straight to the point. Now more than ever we need to focus on ourselves (mental health specifically). Even the strongest person has been impacted in some way in the last year. This last week specifically, my mental health has been a whole new level of blah. I’ve been a floating cloud of nothing more than I’ve let on... and it’s been hard. Pretending I’m fine, just tired, has been exhausting. Being worried about not showing my exhaustion, has been completely draining.
Why have I been hiding how I feel? Because I don’t want to make things about myself. There’s a lot more going on in the world than “my feelings”. However, I’m now realising the exhaustion of keeping it hidden has now affected me. I’ve lost the ability to become excited. I no longer feel joy in things I should be extremely happy about. I got engaged on the 1st of August 2020. I’ve since had very minimal excitement about planning our wedding. Am I excited about being married? Yes! Do I want to marry my fiancé? Heck yes. Am I excited about the actual wedding? I can’t say I have been yet. Am I excited about my Hen’s Party that’s happening in two weeks? No. Am I excited about my 30th that’s happening at the end of this month? No. Why? I’ve sat here for hours and I think I’ve finally come up with the reason... I haven’t let my true feelings be seen in months, and now only know how to ‘pretend’.
So, my 2021 resolution is not to get fit. It’s not to get rid of the toxic people in my life. It’s to learn how to be excited again. It’s to stop hiding my emotions. It’s to cry if I need to cry. It’s to tell people they’ve upset or hurt me. It’s to no longer pretend, and just let the real me be present.
In 2021, I will be happy. I will be excited. And I bloody will be smiling.
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