Am I dating a Human or an Onion?

"I spent most of my nights crying and wondering why I just wasn’t enough. I refused to let go. Instead: I allowed myself to constantly be beaten, constantly shrunk. Until finally, I was a shadow of whom I once was. I was, putting it bluntly, pathetic."

If you had snooped in my room and managed to find my journal- that is a snippet of an entry you would've come across quite some time ago now. I was the fool who "fell for love." Just reading back on that now makes me angry at myself. To know that I allowed someone else to warp my whole perception of myself, and even change who I was, was insane. Reality is though- I'm far from the only person in the world to have done this to themselves. 

Today I am happy to say I am no longer a shadow of me. I will never allow my self value to be defined by others, nor will I ever stay around someone who is more poison than passion again. That relationship in general, wasn't the worst. The person I was with was kind (at times) and a great cheerleader to me. It's just certain things stood out more than the positives and therefore made me question myself and slowly change who I was to try make them happier. That was mistake number one. 

I am going to list a few things you should never have to feel/think/experience if you are in a Healthy relationship. 




It's No Longer Christmas: 
Sure, the relationship may have started off great, otherwise you probably wouldn't have agreed to date them in the first place. But in more cases than others- the honeymoon phase does end and sometimes it turns more into detention than a constant holiday. Can you remember the last time you felt like you were in a moment you never wanted to end? Or are your last few memories just that of feeling underwhelmed, stressed and even depressed at where you currently are? A good friend once told me that 'you should always feel like it's Christmas Morning.' I think that is the most fitting description of how any working relationship should feel. People argue and fight, yes, but in the end if the other person doesn't make you as happy as Christmas morning did when you were a child- then something is off.

You Are No Longer Alone:
I'm a strong believer that even when you're in a relationship it is essential you have alone time. Me time. A common bad habit people pick up once entering relationships is spending every single day with their significant other. That is not healthy. You need time to be alone, to focus solely on you. You also need space in order to miss the other- and so they can miss you. Never missing someone because they're always there completely erases mystery. Mystery causes intrigue. Which causes longing. Without it you've created a rut for yourself. A rut where you'll eventually lose who you are as you've spent every single day with someone else and are no longer an individual- but half of who you were. This is one main reason people crumble so much when relationships end. They completely lost who they were and don't know how to function without the other person. I'm not saying you should have alone time for preparation "in case" the relationship ends. I'm saying it's not right or fair on yourself to lose sight of you. Having time for you to hang with your friends, and your partner to hang with theirs- won't make them want to move on from you. If anything it'll make them appreciate you more as you understand the need to have your own lives. 

You Cry Even When You're Not Cutting Onions:
People cry, that is human nature. What I'm saying isn't healthy is crying so often the tears outweigh the laughs. If your partner makes you cry- that is a clear sign something isn't right. Be it from their words, actions or inability to comfort you- something is off when you get to the point you have to let it all out.  There are going to be times and occasions your partner makes a mistake in what they say/do and that may make you cry. If they don't know how to say sorry and realise where they went wrong though, do you really want to stay with someone like that?

You Suddenly Feel 12 Again:
If you feel you have to be on your very best behaviour all the time around your partner because you're afraid you may upset or anger them then you definitely need to reevaluate the whole relationship. Being scared of your partner is NOT a healthy relationship. You should feel completely comfortable and free to do exactly what you want. You shouldn't have to check first if your partner is okay you having a Girls night with your friends. Unless you two already had plans- then yes common curtesy is to ask. You should not have to suddenly become a child and have to ask Mummy and Daddy for permission. They're your partner, not your parents. A true healthy, trusting and loving relationship doesn't belittle or degrade you to the point you in a way feel trapped. 


If any of these things I've listed relate to you at all it's probably time you stare your relationship straight in the face and ask yourself, is this truly how I want to spend the rest of my life? I believe some people can become addicted to others, like an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol. I believe separating yourself from another person can be just as difficult as going cold turkey with any other addiction. Which is why sometimes we put up with the things we don't deserve. In the end though you need to learn to put yourself first. After all this is Your Life. Not Joe Blows. 

So I ask you now, Are you dating a Human, or an Onion?


Until next time, xox

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Labels: advice , dating , lifestyle , love , relationship , relationship advice